I spend an exorbitant amount of time in the car. My career demands it and I love it. So much quality worship time and today, my worship leader was Phil Wickham. Seriously obsessed with the entirety of the Essentials playlist!
In "How Great is Your Love" there is a line that says "there has never been and there will never be a God like you, a love so true". And it made me wonder...
Who did love me?
Who will love me?
My thoughts and memories visited past relationships and my hopes envisioned what I dream for my future relationship. I realized though, that the memories and dreams I was spending time with fell short. Those from my past didn't love me. Maybe for a season, a time or a brief period but they all resulted in disappointment. I have no idea who will be in my future and irregardless, am I emotionally whole and ready even if I did know? Our pasts are filled with ugly truths, broken promises and smashed hearts, intense regrets and serious shame and my future can't be trusted to my own wishes.
He sang it again...."there has never been, there will never be a God like you, a love so true"....
oh man! He crashed into me. Why didn't I immediately think of Jesus? I was wrecked. And ashamed. Cue the tears.
There it was - taking up all the XL in my Yukon XL. I have never been, nor will I ever be loved, the way Christ has loved and will forever love me. And neither will you.
When we look to humans for our sense of belonging, worth, satisfaction, joy, value, love, security, safety......they will always fall short and we will forever be searching. You won't find any of the above in a man or a woman. You have never been loved and you will never be loved the way Jesus loves you. I t ' s * n o t * p o s s i b l e ! No human is capable - you can't even give that to yourself.
Beyond sick right now at the amount of money I've spent on dating sites over the years. BEYOND! But I digress....
How in the world did this truth not hit me before now? All these bible studies, blog posts and late night girlfriend chats on the teeny tiny patio and it took me driving to a hog farm (they are one of my largest accounts, don't judge) in Carthage IL to grasp this? (God truly is everywhere people!)
Look, I am not a fan of victim mentality or staying stuck in emotional self-drama. If you've read enough of my blogs or my book, you should get that. I was chatting with one of my best friends this past weekend and she shared that she couldn't get herself to move out of her current heartbreak. A few sentences later she says " I just can't go on like this". I stopped her.
"You just contradicted yourself."
"Yes, you can't move on from where you are but you can't go on like this. Which is it? You can't do both simultaneously, you have to choose one or the other."
Practice what you preach Ami Dean.
I cannot move on from my past hurts, disappointments and regrets and yet continue to look, hope and pray for a future based on a certain relationship with a man.
There has never been (result = past hurts)
There will never be (result = future disappointments)
My past is healed by Christ.
My future is held by Christ.
Until we get that, no guy or girl will suffice. Stop looking for your "forever" when your eternity has always been and will forever be right in front of you waiting for you to crash into him..