Updated: Jan 3
Before you begin to read this post, please go here to read my new year's post from 2020.
So now you know what I was focusing on in 2020. I prayed that God would reveal through the eyes of my heart who I was. I prayed to know my eternal identity, not my earthly identity that can change from circumstance to circumstance, season to season, relationship to relationship. I prayed all year for acuity in self-perception, clarity in knowing myself (the good and the bad), and vision to embrace and love my own heart. It would be great if I could tell you that God answered the prayer early on in the year. But that is far from the truth. The prayer was answered in the last two weeks.
On day one of the new year, I need you to know the truth and this will be the most important blog you read all year.
If you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I share with all of you that my most difficult battle with satan is the lie he feeds me that I am never enough.
Never enough as a mother
Never enough as a daughter
Never enough as a friend
Never enough in love
Never enough as a Christian
Never enough as a writer
The list goes on.
That lie I fight daily, hourly, is a thorn in my heart. I study the word. I teach others by writing what I learn and speaking to groups about what I write. I pray and surround myself with friends who point me to the truth of God. But yet, I wrestle. And in complete transparency, 2020 was the year I was crippled by it and truthfully believed at one point, the lie was right.
2020 has universally been a year like no other. For all of us. Yes, I had my share of covid calamities. I was furloughed for 4 months, I had two daughters miss their senior graduations, one from college and one from high school while simultaneously having their softball careers abruptly ended. And while I am not chalking up the loss of what I truly believed was a serious romantic relationship to covid, the relationship did prove to have a virus of its own which put the progression of it on permanent lockdown.
The ending of that relationship late in the summer is where the beginning of the end started for me and as such, learned to truly behold the depth of God's love for me. The revelation of what I will now claim as my word for 2021 (drum roll please) was one of the most beautiful journeys I have taken with Jesus.
During the final conversation with the man who had conned me and my daughters into believing he wanted to marry me (he even had the audacity to be so narcissistically insensitive to ask each of them their permission to propose, a most selfish act that he robbed from all of us - may God forgive him for being so deceitful and disingenuous) he had said he had written me a letter. Since we hadn't spoken all week, I was a bit surprised. I went to the mailbox to retrieve the letter and in it, I read a list of all the reasons and ways I had brought him joy (a question I had been asking him for weeks as it was apparent, he had become unjoyful in our relationship). Although he had written a very lovely list, he then stated "while I did appreciate all those qualities I wrote in my letter, you're just not enough for me."
Gut punch. Can't breathe. Mind reeling. Heart shattered. Ego completely humiliated. World spinning.
I mean up until that devastating moment, I had only assumed that every failed relationship was because I certainly wasn't adequate enough for the guy who decided to leave. I wasn't loveable enough. Pretty enough. Thin enough. Faith-filled enough. Patient enough. Successful enough. But in that earthquake inducing moment - it was actually said. The lie wasn't a lie, it was true after all.
For weeks I could not grasp what happened. How could I have been so conned? Why did I not read every early sign that had a red flag attached to it? Why did I think it was ok for someone to be so damaging to my self-esteem? Why was I working so desperately for his approval of me when clearly his standard was perfection and he made it clear over and over again that I could do nothing right? How did I allow an extremely emotionally unavailable man to steal from my daughters a sweet moment that now has a tainted memory to it? Why did I have to go through this again?
Like my spiral into depression in late 2012, I felt myself being pulled into a dark state that I knew would only lead to isolation. Battling suicidal thoughts, I told my daughters what I was fighting and they lovingly urged me to seek help. I did. And here is where I would behold the answered prayer of 2020.
Through counseling with a Godly therapist and pastor, I have learned more in the past 4 months, than in all the previous ten years combined (I gave my life to Christ in April 2011)
John taught me that I wasn't the only one who felt "not enough". There was another who experienced the same feelings and lies. Jesus battled it too. He wasn't enough either. He was betrayed, ridiculed, abandoned, denied, unbelieved, doubted, persecuted and murdered. He was right there in front of all these witnesses and they didn't believe He was enough to be the Messiah.
In my last session with John the week before Christmas, he shared with me the verse from Matthew 3:17 from Jesus' baptism:
"and behold, a voice out of the heavens said, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased."
Before Jesus had done anyth