I pray daily for God to remake me. Be careful what you ask for...
Because He answers that prayer by sending me moments, circumstances, and situations that require me to "go against" my natural response or reaction and I fail. I succumb to how I always react, and I deny Him the opportunity to remake me. Self-disappointment sets in only to repeat the cycle of prayer, opportunity to be remade, failure in remaking, shame over and over again. The problem isn't that I'm not praying, the question is where is my heart residing?
And so it has been the past few months or so.
My writing has been tremendously inconsistent thus far in 2021. My heart has been residing in the world. Concern for the failing morality of our culture, a focus on one-world government, a declining economic system, rising inflation, and the list goes on. I'm chasing quotas, and coaching daughters through their first pregnancies, and capturing contingencies for life after career. I am consumed by dread of what's to come culturally, distraught for where I see our country going, and disdain for those taking it there. My heart is sad and for someone who writes to teach and encourage others (and myself) a tormented heart isn't exactly the proper canvas to create words from.
Numerous times since writing last, I have been presented with opportunities to respond to circumstances, situations, and conversations in the manner I pray for Him to help me with. Instead, more times than not, I chose reaction over response. I have been self-protective, hopeless, worrisome, agitated, envious, unloving, opportunistic, self-absorbed, and uncontrolled. All complete opposites of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (the fruit the Holy Spirit gives). Let's just say the past several weeks, my fruit has been rotten and in desperate need of some Miracle Grow.